I'm sitting in the living room with my roommate, Carolyn and a friend of ours, Laura, who came to Tenwek from England. It's been lovely to have another 20 something on the compound and to commiserate with her about life here. We're watching Robin Hood (the Disney one, which is so classic and which Laura had never seen before!)
Monday seems like a lot. I get a few days off of math class, which is a blessing as I'm behind on other things. I struggle to know what to prioritize, as usual. I'd never been to Tenwek's ICU before last week and all of a sudden I find myself invested in so many very sick patients. So many have died this week. A baby ate a dead goat and got anthrax. He was on a ventilator and it malfunctioned when people weren't looking and he died. A woman with lupus came in with so many body systems out... she died yesterday. The pain she experienced must have been incredible. There aren't words.
Facing another week... I don't know how to love the people in the ward. I can't treat their hurts, I can't love them the same way I want to. All I can do is take down their information, smile at them, and pray. I feel like a child with a messy picture to give as a gift to Michaelangelo.
And yet, there is good news.
I got to spend about 3 hours with the babies today and I had a blast. Ellie is a huge fan of the put-blanket-over-her-head-and-then-pretend-like-I-can't-find-her game. Her response was either to stick her hands up under the blanket or say "hi!" or "aboo!" after taking off the blanket. With help of the 12-14 year old girls here (there are 3) I managed to get all three diapers changed, gotta love massive amounts of poop, and got dinner on. I had a ball.
A dear friend of mine is having a baby. It's one of those babies who was given at just the right time and I'm so excited to hear from them.
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I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I'm concerned about burnout factor. Simultaneously, though, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting attached to patients. Grief is great and it's okay to be sad. It's good to mourn that a life is gone prematurely. I don't want to be numb to suffering.
Romans talks about praying in groans that words cannot express and that the Holy Spirit understands those groans and puts words to them. I'm so grateful for that. In moments when it feels hard I'm also so glad for words written by people who can put things much better than I can.
We will Run, Gungor
You are on our side, Bethany Dillon
After the Last Tear Falls, Andrew Peterson
The Silence of God, Andrew Peterson
In the messiness of life, when things seem too nuts to get our arms around, may we run to him.
Joanna
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